Was I really this skinny?

About 5 years ago, this photo happened...

Today, those jeans are far from fitting and that shirt is buried at the bottom of a drawer and I'm pretty sure hasn't seen the light of day in this decade. Now I'm barely fitting into pants 3 sizes bigger.

But...I'm working on that. Not very efficiently...but I'm working on it. 

I decided to cancel my Weight Watchers membership because frankly, I wasn't using it. I wasn't weighing in or going to meetings, I wasn't logging anything, and any time a WW email came through, I cringed knowing that I was so far from following the plan, I didn't even want to see the email with suggestions of how to stay healthy.

But have no fear, I am working on it. I am working with a personal trainer at my gym. For real this time. I started in July...but once my vacation to Hawaii rolled around, my schedule went haywire and I never got back on track until this week. Which is not much of a track record...yet.

I don't know why I decided to look back, but instinct told me to go back to 2009 because it was my skinny year. It was before my epic 3 year relationship, and before my wonderfully completely different current relationship. Both which attributed to my weight gain. Not that it was their fault...no, it was entirely my doing. I put the food in my mouth. I stayed away from the gym. But the lifestyle is easy to adopt and various factors in each of those relationships created an environment which I was not (am not) strong enough to stand up to. 

2009 represented a time in my life where I had accomplished so much and was perfectly content with riding on those coat tails for far too long without continuing to push myself forward.

Well now I am. I am pushing. And it is pushing. It is not easy. Pushing against habits which have become so ingrained. It is work. It is something I'm absolutely terrible at.

But I have to keep pushing. Not only is my weight gain disrupting my wardrobe (I currently have no pants that fit me...hence a new fascination with skirts and dresses)...but it is affecting my health. Back pain, joint pain, foot pain, shortness of breath when I exert myself, nerve sensations when I sit a certain way, numbness from constricting blood vessels...I am terrified of a doctor checkup because of what test results may show. I know losing the weight may not fix everything, but I definitely know it will help. I don't remember having all these problems when I was heavier before I lost the weight, but I am definitely noticing them now. And five years older makes a difference too. 

I have to keep pushing.

I've said this in the past...I don't necessarily have a need to be *skinny*. I like being curvy. I like having a butt. I like filling out a dress. I like browsing in the "plus sized fashion" interest groups. But I am too heavy for my liking. I am unhealthy. That is an issue. 

Keep pushing. I'll tell myself that. Every day if I have to. Something to remind myself to make conscious decisions of how I am eating, how I am keeping active, how I am staying productive.

This may be a little of a disconnected post, but it was something I needed to do. To write. For myself. For accountability. For starting from scratch. And for forgiving myself.

Keep pushing Julia. You will get there.

New month, new post, new start...

It's November. One of my least favorite months...those late fall days when the colors fade as the leaves fall, when it gets dark earlier each day, any time it rains the cold & damp soak through to your bones...

In other words, it's depressing.

So I guess it's a bit contradictory that I'm choosing this time of year for a starting point for getting back on the weight-loss wagon.

So why am I doing it?
1. I can't fit in my clothes comfortably anymore...and not in the good way. (I've had to dig into the "fat" clothes box)
2. After accomplishing 2 half marathons this spring, I could barely finish a 5k last week
3. Rolls, handles and tires should be on a car (shh) ...not on me.
4. I. Feel. Like. Crap.
5. I'm paying $40 a month on Weight Watchers and $30 on a gym...and I'm broke. You do the math.

Tonight I went to Weight Watchers for the first time since July. In four months I gained almost 14 lbs. WHATTHEFLOCK?

I knew it was bad, but the number was shocking. All in all, I've gained close to 30 lbs...IN THE PAST YEAR. Again...WHATTHEFLOCK?? Every time I tried to restart my engines, my head, laziness, potato chips something gets in my way. And it's just gotten me further and further from my goal. But it's got to change. For my health, my sanity, and my overall well being.

I won't go into any more sob stories, but I am setting up the following goals:

• To blog weekly. My schedule probably won't allow daily posts, but I can certainly aim for 3x a week. When I first started at WW, this blog really helped to keep me motivated and to hold myself accountable. Since I'm starting from scratch, I am committing to blogging again. And speaking of starting from scratch...goal #2
  
• Go back to basics. Re-read the Weight Watchers materials, follow the weekly plans, and take it step by step. Set goals and reach them, and evaluate progress both good & bad.
• Put myself first. My health needs to be a priority. My daily choices need to reflect that, and I am in control of those choices. Figure out what I need to do to be successful (like planning ahead, scheduling exercise...) and then do them.
  
• Persistence, not perfection. This is something which came out of my meeting tonight. It struck a chord with me. Despite all my missteps along the way...I haven't completely given up. I am still trying. Which means that this persistence will pay off.

Hope there are still some of you out there...I could use your support more than ever!

Until next time

Has it really been three months?

Egad!

Well, the last three months have been nonstop insanity for me, and with that, my whole routine has gone out the window. Not to say I haven't been doing anything about my health, but any sense of normal has long disappeared.

So here is my update:
-Weight: Ugh. Not happy with where I am right now. I definitely have been slowly putting back on some of the weight I lost. On one hand, it could have been worse. On the other hand--shame on you Julia. I am now back up to 195.6. Last July I was down to 180. I have some work to do.
-Fitness: Although my fitness routine has gone on hiatus, I have been making some effort. February and March were fine. April I made it to the gym all of once--though I did get random exercise outdoors and through one major office upheaval. Which brings me to...
-Stress: With a big work event in March to get ready for, and then finding out we had to relocate our office the week afterward, followed by the transition of moving and trying to work around boxes and re-moving for the following month, my whole work life has been in a state of chaos. We moved to an office about 1/3 the size of our previous one and have had to eliminate and condense a lot of our supplies, files, etc. If I wasn't getting my cardio, I was sure getting in weight training! And after that that move came the stress with end of fiscal year events, responsibilities, and trying to fit everything in while not finding anything in our office. Additionally, I was stage managing for the spring production at my local theater and that went full throttle in April with rehearsals 4x/week. I go home exhausted and stressed and have resorted to old habits.

However there have been some good things as well:
-Accomplishments: Although I didn't train for it...at all, on May 2nd, I completed the Pittsburgh Half Marathon!! It was awesome & I am very proud of it. I will blog about it soon.
-Steps in the right direction: After two months, I finally made it back to Weight Watchers this week. I am basically starting from scratch, not taking anything for granted in regards to my eating habits and trusting myself to naturally eat the right things--I've started tracking again, getting in my healthy foods, looking at portion sizes, and I made it to the gym last night (as opposed to Tuesday night when I had planned).
-I've am about three months into a new, but long-distance relationship (yes, I realize the time frame...) with a really great guy and he's been making me very happy.
-In 9 days I will be turning 30!! Celebrations galore!!

Challenges:
-Schedule: I still have this massively insane schedule, especially with Josh (the boy) coming into visit next week for my birthday, and another few weeks of work insanity, and we're STILL moving boxes!!
-Funds: I'm pretty broke these days--or at least trying really hard to conserve money for bills I have to pay and expenses that will be happening in the next few months & it stresses me out--additionally I still am trying to make my health a priority so that healthy food shopping is going to have to outweigh some other expenditures. Yikes.
-Spring celebrations--birthdays, graduations, babies, weddings (I have 3 weekends straight of weddings in July). Those are all going to be challenges for me to keep on track.

Goals:
We all know I'm absolutely terrible with setting goals & sticking to the program to achieve them, but I'm still trying.
-One 5k per month. I already have one in June I'm planning on. I want to find ones for the rest of the summer which shouldn't be too difficult. I think the half marathon counts for May. I'd like to work my way up to running again consistently.
-Get back down to 180 by Labor Day weekend. Then work towards my lifetime goal.
-Have no regrets. Sure I screwed up and let myself get off track. But in my mind, I needed that reality check to remember that this isn't something that comes easy and my health isn't something to take for granted. There's no sense in wasting time on the "I should haves..." Instead, I pick myself up & keep going.

Well, that was a long update, I miss connecting with my fellow bloggers and I intend on updating more frequently and returning back to you guys for the inspiration and support that has worked so often in the past.

Until next time!

Don't rain on my weight loss parade

This rain is killing me...it's MAY--my favorite month of the year, and since May 1st it's been nothing but rain!!! Not that I have a lot of time, but it's also ruining my running plans.

This week is Hell Week for me at the theater as our show opens on Thursday. Basically that means rehearsal every night, running the show until they get it right, taking care of last minute prop & costume details, and adding all the technical aspects (lights, sound cues, etc.). The show opens in two days and we're still a bit behind on things, but we'll get it done.

This of course means my normal schedule is completely disrupted, but when I was working out my boot camp plan, I was hoping to start running in the morning since I knew I wouldn't have time at night. But this rain is killing it those plans. Since I don't have a gym membership I can't do treadmill. The workout DVDs are sitting there collecting dust, so I should be doing those. No excuses right?

Anyway--I'm very happy to report that I lost another 1.4 lbs when I weighed in last night. I couldn't stay for the meeting, but I was kind of surprised that I had another loss. I figured last week's loss was only temporary since I had a bad points week & that it would catch up with me this week--especially since it's my TOM. But no, another loss! And this week I was really good keeping to the plan & tracking & exercising.

Hopefully this week's schedule craziness won't throw me off too much. Oh I can't wait for this show to be over...

And until then...

BRING BACK THE SPRING PLEASE!!!

Until next time

Another scary weigh in day

Okay-not all-together scary, but since last week's gain threw me for a loop, and I didn't quite kick up my dedication like I had planned this week, I am not really sure what this week's results are going to be.

Note to self--WW Smoothie mix (chocolate, smells like hot cocoa mix): great with milk...absolutely horrid with water. Will have to try in a blender.

So it looks like there's no way I am going to reach my 10% by the 30th (next Monday)...but I'm still going to keep trying! Let's see how tonight turns out. If I can get back down to the 15 lb mark, then I only have 8.6 lbs to go for my 10%. That's not completely dreadful. It would have been nice if I had less to work with...but, I am not an overachiever. :-p

On a brighter note, my sewing class I'm taking is almost done & I will soon have one fabulously homemade outfit to show off. Hooray!

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Until next time