Living to your potential

Ever feel like you're just not living life the way you should? Or like your life is spiraling away from you one day at a time?

Lately I've been feeling like that all the time. Like I'm just watching my life pass me by. And I didn't always feel this way. I was a take life by the horns kind of gal for a while there...well not entirely, but I definitely felt more in charge of my life than I do now.

Part of that is my job. I've been wanting to leave for so long, and I feel so overwhelmed by the thought of working here much longer, but I haven't been able to find something new to move on to. I know what I want to do, and I feel like I can be doing so much more.

The other part of that of course is my health--my activity, my eating and my overall health. I try, but I can't seem to get back into the swing of things when it comes to being healthy.

I know I can do more. I have done more. I have done better...in all parts of my life.

Remember as a kid when they used to talk about your potential. You have the potential to be anything you want if you just work for it. Well...I am not working for it...I am not living up to my potential.

I NEED to take back control of my life. The question now is just how to get started............

I was thinking earlier what I need is a good overhaul of my space & time. Eliminating clutter from my life both literally and figuratively. Eliminating distractions & focusing on what I really want. That means knowing what I really want, writing it down, and setting those goals & priorities.

It's funny - I was going to end the post before that paragraph, but leaving this post unfinished was not satisfying. It was not taking life by the horns, it was once again letting it get away from me. But just writing that last part about what I need to do feels better. Creating that action for myself feels right. And now I'm a little bit inspired as to what I need to do!

So from a somewhat whiny post, I leave you with ambition. And I hope to start my next post with a plan. And maybe even some action already taken :)

Until next time

Has it really been three months?

Egad!

Well, the last three months have been nonstop insanity for me, and with that, my whole routine has gone out the window. Not to say I haven't been doing anything about my health, but any sense of normal has long disappeared.

So here is my update:
-Weight: Ugh. Not happy with where I am right now. I definitely have been slowly putting back on some of the weight I lost. On one hand, it could have been worse. On the other hand--shame on you Julia. I am now back up to 195.6. Last July I was down to 180. I have some work to do.
-Fitness: Although my fitness routine has gone on hiatus, I have been making some effort. February and March were fine. April I made it to the gym all of once--though I did get random exercise outdoors and through one major office upheaval. Which brings me to...
-Stress: With a big work event in March to get ready for, and then finding out we had to relocate our office the week afterward, followed by the transition of moving and trying to work around boxes and re-moving for the following month, my whole work life has been in a state of chaos. We moved to an office about 1/3 the size of our previous one and have had to eliminate and condense a lot of our supplies, files, etc. If I wasn't getting my cardio, I was sure getting in weight training! And after that that move came the stress with end of fiscal year events, responsibilities, and trying to fit everything in while not finding anything in our office. Additionally, I was stage managing for the spring production at my local theater and that went full throttle in April with rehearsals 4x/week. I go home exhausted and stressed and have resorted to old habits.

However there have been some good things as well:
-Accomplishments: Although I didn't train for it...at all, on May 2nd, I completed the Pittsburgh Half Marathon!! It was awesome & I am very proud of it. I will blog about it soon.
-Steps in the right direction: After two months, I finally made it back to Weight Watchers this week. I am basically starting from scratch, not taking anything for granted in regards to my eating habits and trusting myself to naturally eat the right things--I've started tracking again, getting in my healthy foods, looking at portion sizes, and I made it to the gym last night (as opposed to Tuesday night when I had planned).
-I've am about three months into a new, but long-distance relationship (yes, I realize the time frame...) with a really great guy and he's been making me very happy.
-In 9 days I will be turning 30!! Celebrations galore!!

Challenges:
-Schedule: I still have this massively insane schedule, especially with Josh (the boy) coming into visit next week for my birthday, and another few weeks of work insanity, and we're STILL moving boxes!!
-Funds: I'm pretty broke these days--or at least trying really hard to conserve money for bills I have to pay and expenses that will be happening in the next few months & it stresses me out--additionally I still am trying to make my health a priority so that healthy food shopping is going to have to outweigh some other expenditures. Yikes.
-Spring celebrations--birthdays, graduations, babies, weddings (I have 3 weekends straight of weddings in July). Those are all going to be challenges for me to keep on track.

Goals:
We all know I'm absolutely terrible with setting goals & sticking to the program to achieve them, but I'm still trying.
-One 5k per month. I already have one in June I'm planning on. I want to find ones for the rest of the summer which shouldn't be too difficult. I think the half marathon counts for May. I'd like to work my way up to running again consistently.
-Get back down to 180 by Labor Day weekend. Then work towards my lifetime goal.
-Have no regrets. Sure I screwed up and let myself get off track. But in my mind, I needed that reality check to remember that this isn't something that comes easy and my health isn't something to take for granted. There's no sense in wasting time on the "I should haves..." Instead, I pick myself up & keep going.

Well, that was a long update, I miss connecting with my fellow bloggers and I intend on updating more frequently and returning back to you guys for the inspiration and support that has worked so often in the past.

Until next time!

I'm back...

she said sheepishly.

I haven't been a very good blogger. Nor have I been a very good healther. (Seriously the only the word I can think of at the end of the day).

Happy New Year by the way!

Let me quickly recap the last month. My last post was December 15th after a gain at weigh in. Well that was dumb, letting myself gain after all my goals and progress in getting back on track. And instead of getting back on the wagon, I drove the wagon off a cliff. So after three weeks, too many cupcakes and not remotely enough exercise, I have gained another 4.4 lbs, putting me way back up at 194.6. This week last year I was 196.8. I have managed in one year to lose exactly 2.2 lbs. Pardon my language but WHAT THE DUCK?

Seriously. What the hell happened in the past few months that I completely undid all the hard work I did this year??? Why can't I seem to stick to the plan anymore? Why am I so out of control with food? Why can't I live up to my own goals and expectations?

Well it was an odd year. Literally. I do much better in even numbered years, and 2009 was not my favorite. Sure, lots of great things happened, but there was some definite obstacles, mentally, physically, emotionally etc that I let get in my way.

I am determined that with the fresh year comes a fresh start and a fresh state of mind. I start this year over, not looking back except to learn from my mistakes. I start this year focused. With a plan, and the will to stick to it.

I spent my winter break inside. With food. I even made food in order to binge on it (cupcakes are my new enemy). What's worse was as I sat there, in front of my computer, listlessly watching movies and entire TV series, with my only exercise being trips to the fridge or the bathroom, all I did was feel sorry for myself. Good grief, I didn't even read any blogs as I avoided the reality of what I was doing to myself. All I did was remorse that I was allowing myself to revert to all my bad habits I'd lived with until I joined Weight Watchers. But I did nothing. I let it get worse. And now I'm starting from scratch.

Starting from scratch is fine though. I'm okay with that. It means leaving behind an old frame of mind to move forward. Learn from the past and emerging stronger.

I'm back, and watch out world, I'll be better than ever. This year, 2010, WILL be the year I take charge of my life.

Now I'm going to catch up on your blogs :)

Stay strong my friends.

Until next time

Choose wisely & reap the rewards

Last night I was watching the Biggest Loser and at the end when I was watching the transformation "after" of the contestant who got kicked off, something struck a chord with me. In a motivational speech she was giving, she said "You can choose differently." In our darkest hours, you have control over your life and it's the choices that you make that affect the outcome. You can choose differently.

Now this is neither my darkest hour nor is it anything remotely close to the circumstances she was referring to, but it is applicable.

Our choices shape our lives. They shape the outcome. They shape our energy and our relationships and our day to day events.

Lately my choices have been dismal. My eating choices, my lack of inactivity choices. They are thoughtless choices, but choices nonetheless. Returning to old habits out of laziness and not thinking how the food I'm eating or buying will affect me are all choices I've been making lately and then regretting. I've had ample opportunity to start making good choices but have continued this route of bad decisions, while making every excuse in the book as to why I'm making these choices. And the lack of inactivity has been a big drawback as well. Usually if I'm active, I tend to think twice about what I'm eating, knowing that I'm putting hard work into my exercise and I don't want to waste the effort. And I keep whining about it--without doing anything about it.

I have disappointed myself. I have hidden in denial from the truth. I have only blogged sparingly knowing how pitiful these choices and excuses seem. Yet I have not chosen to do anything differently.

Today I am revisiting my goals and motivation asking myself what's in it for me.

What do I want?

• To get back on track
• To get to my goal weight
• To feel healthy again
• To feel motivated again
• To feel fit again
• To hit those Feats of Strength with a smile of accomplishment
  
• To incorporate healthy living into all aspects of my life
• To stop making excuses!

Why do I want this?

• Because I'm turning 30 in 7 months and I want to start the next decade of my life healthy.
• Because I want to wear those skinny jeans and look GOOD in them
• Because I want to wear a bikini on the beach
• Because I want to achieve those fitness goals and keep striving for more
  
• Because I want to not have to think about weight for ONCE in my life!

When do I want this?

• By the end of the year I want to hit my goal of 165
• Six weeks of maintenance = Valentine's Day (mid Feb)
• By April 21 (2 year WW anniversary) I want to have maintained my weight and be comfortable in my body, my habits, and my life.

How will I do this?

• Making the right decisions starting today
• Tracking & being aware of food point values
• Committing to exercise
• Leaving behind old habits & developing new healthy habits
• Stop making excuses

I need to hold myself accountable. I need to stop being lazy. I need to change my life. It's not going to be easy, but I need to do this for me. I will do this for me.

I'm starting this by weighing in tonight. Yes, I skipped Monday's weigh in. Shamefully so. There was no reason for me to stay home, but I did because for the first time I was afraid of what the scale was going to say. I don't know why, I've had plenty of gains in the past. I've gone into the meeting knowing I was going to gain and still weighed in. But this week I was a coward.

I'm going tonight.

It's not about baby steps. It's about one steady step at the time. I'm not putting my foot down unless I know where it's going to land and that where I put it is the right place.

This is it. This is my choice.

And I choose to take action.

So bear with me as I regain my footing in this journey, accept my faults, and move past these missteps towards a better version of me.

Now the work begins.
Until next time.

The good, the bad...

Well my weekend didn't exactly stick with my original plan.

The good: I ate relatively well all weekend. I stuck w/my chinese food friday. Saturday I didn't binge while hanging around my apartment, and Sunday I had made really good food choices, eating a good breakfast, sticking with a tuna steak burger & salad instead of the (ridiculously mouth watering) burger & fries the restaurant was known for. I did have cheesecake, but it was a treat. And well worth it.

The bad: My fitness plans for the weekend went bust. I did not take my walk on Saturday though it was gorgeous outside. In fact I did not go outside at all. I slept in and then got involved in catching up on my DVRed shows, and did not get the cleaning I wanted to done, and seriously regretted it the next day because my body was very mad at me for not working it. As for the 5k? Well, the morning weather was cold & rainy & I could not bring myself to put myself in that environment knowing full well that I would be miserable instead of enjoying the 5k accomplishment and I could just see myself getting sick from the crummy weather. I did go into the city to meet my friends and walked a fair amount. But as I said, my body was mad at me for the lack of activity on Saturday and was very stiff--and the weather didn't help. By the evening, my knees were so stiff it felt like when I'm on a plane.

The ugly: The amount of money I spent yesterday.

All that aside, I'm sticking to my four week plan I wrote up earlier in the week. This week's goals are to establish a schedule, evaluate my food choices, make decisions (what stays, what goes?), and get in 14-20 APs.

Last week's goals were pretty much met. I tracked everything. I did my best at getting in the 8 healthy guidelines daily. I got in my 2APs per day (or if I didn't, I made up for it another day). I started to re-read the WW materials. I did not run my 5k. I'm not happy about it, but I'm determined to make up for it.

Here's to a good weigh in tonight & here's to week two of Ze Plan :)

Until next time

Get mad

I don't get mad often. I've got a pretty even temper and laid back personality.

But sometimes that results in me swallowing emotions instead of releasing them and then they build up.

And they brew.

And they fester (great word isn't it?)

And then...

BOOM. Full fledged emotional demons come flooding out. Beware.

So this weekend was one of those weekends. I've been letting some stuff build up for weeks now, but I thought it had settled. I had a great week with lots of positive energy & great experiences (other than Monday's frustrating weigh in) and I was really looking forward to this weekend. On Friday however there was that change of tides.

First I encountered a series of rude people one right after the other who pissed me off first thing in the morning. After that it seemed everything started going wrong, but I tried not to let it get to me. I went out that night and had a great time and seemed to have recovered. Saturday I was very efficient in preparing for the wedding I had later that day, and even fit in a half hour run. It was tough, but I was happy I did it. The wedding though was a bit tough--between my friend who is post-breakup getting upset every time she heard "their" song, and being surrounded by couples while dealing with my own issues, and some other useless senseless drama which came up...my head was continuing to clog up with chaos.

To top everything off, yesterday's trip to the Ren Faire proved to put the icing on the cake and by the time I came home I was bubbling over with hurt, anger, and every emotion in between and it all came pouring out. In the privacy of my bedroom I just let everything release uninhibitedly and eventually settled down.

And then I ran. I couldn't eat anything and needed to do something, and I knew that pounding the pavement would be the only thing that was going to help. And it did. It wasn't just all jogging either--I actually ran. And I ran further than I ever have before. And it felt good. Sure I was tired. Sure I could barely breathe. Sure I had a cramp in my side which felt like it was ripping apart my organs. But I pushed and by the time I returned, I proudly collapsed on my couch in contented exhaustion.

I know this week is going to be a difficult week, but I'm planning on using that to my advantage. Channeling those emotions into my running--I feel strong physically and I think this will help me cope emotionally--plus it will help me reach my 50 lb mark on the scale which will also help my overly-emotional state.

Get mad. Since I can never have all parts of my life cooperating at the same time, I'm going to at least use adrenaline and endorphins to my advantage.

Tonight should be a good night on the scale because I was pretty good this week & did fit in lots of walks and a few runs. I don't know what the loss will be, but it should definitely be a loss. Hopefully after today my mood will start to calm down to it's normal tepid state.

Goals for the week:

• Run
• Lots of protein, healthy foods, fewer carbs (other than fruit)
  
• Track
• Water
• Distract myself
  
• Keep my 50lb goal in mind.

Until next time

Back in...

...the Saddle
(That could totally be me...if...I rode...horses)

Good Afternoon to all you lovely friends of the blogosphere! I hope you're enjoying your day. I certainly am. I spent my morning at Bloomingdales...for work. Could it get any better?

Okay--back to the topic at hand. I am back in the clichéd saddle. I finally went running last night and it felt great. After 45 days of not doing any exerted exercise other than walking, I finally just got up and did it. And granted I probably should have started off a little slower than I did (I ran most of the 2.5 miles), I pushed through some of my usual struggles including breathing issues, side cramps and leg fatigue and I did it. And I'm going to do it again tonight. Even with the heat during the day, it cooled down nicely by 9pm and it was perfect for running. Plus my apartment was a sauna so it was actually nicer to be outside.

My energy level was high yesterday--and I was ready to take full advantage of it. If that wasn't enough, my meeting last night was another driving factor--both positive and negative.

Negative first.
I had another gain. It was only .4 lbs, but being that this was the 3rd week in a row I've gained (which has not happened to me ever since I started WW), it was a slap in the face. I need to start making changes. I can't skirt by as I'd been doing for a while with the bare minimum expecting to see results. I won't go into details about the negatives of last week because I don't want to dwell on them*. Moving forward...

The positives:
The meeting topic was about getting off track. My leader specifically talked about Plateaus, but it was entirely appropriate to what I've been going through the past few weeks--addressing why you aren't losing weight. Lack of focus, getting sloppy, monotony etc. I don't know if it necessarily enlightened me on anything, but it did reinforce the fact that I need to take control of this before it gets out of hand.

Even more helpful was after the meeting, my leader came up to ask how I was doing & we started talking about helping me get back on track. Just talking about it seemed to get me back in the momentum. AND one of my fellow meeting members came up and asked me about how I lost my weight. I have to admit I probably was a bit of a Debbie Downer because I was still a bit cranky about gaining, but I tried to give her some of my tips (basically everything that I wasn't doing for the past month). Next week I plan on being a little more helpful to her. So all of this, plus the fact that I felt like I was finally getting my head together to get back on track really helped to motivate me and give me back that positive spirit I'd been missing.

Looking back...
Even though last week didn't go as well as I'd hoped, there were some positive improvements:

• I tracked...most** of my food--on WW.com and in my work planner
• I brought my lunch every day. Home made is always better.
• I walked at lunch during the nicer days. Hey it was a start right?
• I hydrated! Boy did I ever. Bathroom trips were frequent.
• I limited TV, at least at the beginning of the week. I didn't necessarily take that time to do something productive, but even going to bed was better than sitting there mindlessly.
• I did not drink unnecessary alcohol--only on the weekend at two parties--and that was also limited.
• I started practicing a new habit (mentioned at Losing My Thighs) of putting my food down between bites to be able to savor the taste and slow down eating. When I am conscious of it and practice it, it actually works! It makes food last longer too. Point in case-my chocolate chip cookie is only 1/2 eaten 10 minutes after I started it! Chances are I won't be wanting a 2nd one.
  
• Even though I had a rough week last week, my obsessive blog-browsing got me psyched again for moving in the right direction.

*Note to self-don't fall for two-for-one deals on snacks. Like Goldfish. They're evil.
** Most of my food...weekends still tend to get lost in the shuffle. Don't know if I'll ever get past that.

So here's to a fresh week of conscious efforts to get back in the saddle and keep on riding!
Until next time

One year on WW = Shrinking Julia!

Thanks to a friend of mine visiting this weekend, I had some new photos taken. We were out and about in NYC living the life.

This is also the same friend who I had my original photos from exactly one year ago before I joined WW.

Here's the before at 230 lbs...

(yikes)

And some afters at 190 lbs...




What I'm absolutely amazed about is how small my shoulders and arms look! I can't get over that. In the photo w/my friend, my arms look the same size as hers! And she's tall and lanky thin! Even my legs in the (yes, it's a) pillow fight photo look skinny!!

I guess it is truly hard to recognize the progress just looking in a mirror, but now seeing what everyone else is seeing is truly encouraging!!

Happy anniversary to me!!

Until next time

Weight loss ticker

I've been lazy. I had a 1.8 lb gain. I have nothing else to write. Here's where I am so far...

Created by MyFitnessPal - Easy Calorie Counting

Back to school, back to business

School is officially back in session, and along with that, the urge for new beginnings arrives.

The summer was quite successful for reaching goals, but I got lazy in August, and I want to refocus my efforts once again. By the way, the wedding was a hit. I got a ridiculous amount of compliments on how I looked great & lost weight etc. The dress was still a bit big, but looked great. And being with my family & expanding the family was quite exciting...and now I have a sister!!! That's just cool :)


But moving on, life gets busy again as things amp up at work, and I start stage managing for a local theater production of Shenandoah. So now I'm trying to figure out how I am going to fit in fitness. I think I'm going to have to start walking in the morning. Ugh--that is not a happy thought. But I certainly won't have time in the evenings now three days a week, and exercising solely on the weekends just isn't gonna cut it.

Aside from that, I've also got to re-focus on healthy eating. The biggest part is that I have to start going food shopping regularly again! I have not actually gone food shopping since early August--and I have the spoiled milk in my fridge to prove it. All this eating out and buying lunch is not only hurting my wallet, but my waistline too. All those fried foods I cut out earlier in the plan are sneaking back in and my portion sizes are slowly growing as well.

This week I'm not going to be able to go to a WW meeting. Because Monday was Labor Day & Tuesday didn't have any late sessions...and then of course yesterday started rehearsals. I'm sure I gained at least part of a pound to a pound this week, but I am not going to let that get me down. I'm back in business.

Until next time