Day 12: WTF

Well last week was a total bust. My food was out of control for a good part of the week & the only day I had any remotely decent workout was on Tuesday at my gym class.

I can blame it on hormones, I can blame it on lack of preparation, I can blame it on a change in routine when my boyfriend flew out to AZ to see his family....but I can really only take responsibility for my actions. I was the one who made the decisions to eat what I ate and how much I ate. I was the one who made the decision to stay home on Wednesday therefore screwing up my Friday plan to hit the gym. I was the one who refused to get out of bed this weekend to go for my run...or any other reason.

What I don't understand is why I'm doing all this. And what I need to do to stop it.

Self sabatoge is something I've talked about in the past, and every once in a while shows up as a topic at a meeting. To me, Self sabatoge means losing focus of what is important and letting the short term wants get in the way of the long term goals; letting bad habits impede on the good habits I'm trying to develop.

Laziness is my usual answer to why I get off track, but how and why do I go from totally motivated with workout and food plans...to sitting on a couch with a box of cereal?

When I say am finally determined to change my life--how does that result in couch potato status only days later?

All I know is I can't seem to get a handle on doing what I say I'm going to do (and this isn't just with weight loss...this transposes into work life too...) and I am not happy about it. But again, if I know I'm not happy, and why I'm not happy...what is stopping me from doing what I need to do to GET happy?

Self sabotage.

Part of the purpose of my blog is for me to journal, track my goals and progress, and keep myself accountable. But long ago and far away, I used it to connect with other people in their weight loss journeys. To find help & support where I needed it, and hopefully at some point to inspire people to be their best selves. I feel like along the way I've let both myself and potential readers down by my inability to overcome the obstacles of weight loss--particularly my own habits and lifestyle.

Not sure how to handle all this yet...just had to vent.

What setbacks do you deal with? Do you feel like you self-sabotage your weight loss efforts? What do you do to combat this?

Until next time.

I'm back...

she said sheepishly.

I haven't been a very good blogger. Nor have I been a very good healther. (Seriously the only the word I can think of at the end of the day).

Happy New Year by the way!

Let me quickly recap the last month. My last post was December 15th after a gain at weigh in. Well that was dumb, letting myself gain after all my goals and progress in getting back on track. And instead of getting back on the wagon, I drove the wagon off a cliff. So after three weeks, too many cupcakes and not remotely enough exercise, I have gained another 4.4 lbs, putting me way back up at 194.6. This week last year I was 196.8. I have managed in one year to lose exactly 2.2 lbs. Pardon my language but WHAT THE DUCK?

Seriously. What the hell happened in the past few months that I completely undid all the hard work I did this year??? Why can't I seem to stick to the plan anymore? Why am I so out of control with food? Why can't I live up to my own goals and expectations?

Well it was an odd year. Literally. I do much better in even numbered years, and 2009 was not my favorite. Sure, lots of great things happened, but there was some definite obstacles, mentally, physically, emotionally etc that I let get in my way.

I am determined that with the fresh year comes a fresh start and a fresh state of mind. I start this year over, not looking back except to learn from my mistakes. I start this year focused. With a plan, and the will to stick to it.

I spent my winter break inside. With food. I even made food in order to binge on it (cupcakes are my new enemy). What's worse was as I sat there, in front of my computer, listlessly watching movies and entire TV series, with my only exercise being trips to the fridge or the bathroom, all I did was feel sorry for myself. Good grief, I didn't even read any blogs as I avoided the reality of what I was doing to myself. All I did was remorse that I was allowing myself to revert to all my bad habits I'd lived with until I joined Weight Watchers. But I did nothing. I let it get worse. And now I'm starting from scratch.

Starting from scratch is fine though. I'm okay with that. It means leaving behind an old frame of mind to move forward. Learn from the past and emerging stronger.

I'm back, and watch out world, I'll be better than ever. This year, 2010, WILL be the year I take charge of my life.

Now I'm going to catch up on your blogs :)

Stay strong my friends.

Until next time

November happenings

Hello all! I hope you had a great Halloween weekend & didn't let the candy get the best of you. I had this fantastic post about the festivities which I wrote up last week but ended up losing once I started trying to change around HTML. Ah well.

A new week & a new month!

I am happy to report that last week was a good week. After going to weigh in on Wednesday, I had a successful week of eating.

My week's Achievements:

• Did not eat one piece of Halloween candy!
• Passed up on bar food Friday night after the show
• Stuck with homemade food and store bought food most of week/weekend rather than getting takeout.
• Returned to swing dancing last night & was better than ever!
• Tracked everything since last Monday (including donut binge on Tuesday) & since Wednesday did not go into weeklies until Sunday cast party.
• Have not touched donuts in freezer since Tuesday
  
• Have not touched ice cream in freezer at work (brought by boss on Friday)
• Have found various ways to distract myself from eating including knitting/crochet, gum, organizing...
  

I kept on plan, I resisted temptation, and last night's weigh in was a happy one. 4lbs! I'm very surprised it was that much since the previous weeks seemed so permanently damaging, but I guess making those changes made a big difference. It's kind of like the first weigh in all over again. So I'm back to 186.4

I did start fresh too by requesting a new membership book. I felt it would help me look at this next few months in a fresh light. Plus mine had literally fallen apart, so it was time. I had gotten a new one when they revamped the program last December (oh lord, I hope they don't make more changes this year!) so this is now my third membership book since I started. I definitely made progress since I started this last book, but not as much as I would have thought I would have. 13 lbs in almost a year. And of course that has been up and down as opposed to the steady loss I had the first 8 months.

So now I'm 21 lbs away from goal, and I probably won't be there by Dec 31st as I had hoped, especially with holidays approaching. But with two months left, I certainly can get out of the 180s. So that is my goal. I want to be solidly in the 170s by December 31st and celebrating a new year with a smile. Averaging 1lb a week I think is reasonable. Sometimes it will be more, and sometimes it may be less, but I can do it. I will do it. From there I will look at what I need to do to get to goal.

I really want to be at my goal weight before my 2 year WW anniversary in April, which again, is totally reasonable, but I need all my resources at hand, all my willpower and motivation charged, and I need to not let myself sabotage my efforts and to go on this roller coaster ride on the scale.

Oh, and here's my Halloween costume--Little Bo Peep. I spent the evening looking for my lost sheep. I didn't find them, but I did find some wolves...and NOT in sheep's clothing :)


Have a great day everyone!

Until next time

Really Julia?

Did you really feel it was necessary to eat a whole bag of Baked Cheetos last night?



What happened that whole thing about owning up to help yourself change? Ugh.

That's it. You're grounded.

Food be gone

I don't know what happened.

I was so excited on Tuesday about my new-found energy, and I was being really conscious about what I was eating and everything...

And then Tuesday night I did not make dinner. But I did eat. I ate my leftover spinach dip. And I ate triscuits. And I ate cheese. And salami. To attempt to save myself I ate a bag of baby carrots. Pretty much the whole bag.

And then yesterday I stayed home and ate some more. More cheese, more salami, finished the carrots, and the triscuits, and the brownie muffins. Plus pretzels, cereal, a cucumber...And for dessert--chocolate.

And the only exercise I got was the occasional trip to the bathroom or to the fridge to find something else to binge in.

I did not count points but I'm sure it was somewhere along the lines of 1000. Okay, maybe a little less.

I don't know what got into me. I couldn't stop myself. I knew I was sabotaging myself. Why couldn't I stop??? For TWO DAYS!

I don't know what it was. I feel like crap now. I suppose I just have to get myself back on track again, but I feel like such an idiot for falling into this routine which has destroyed me so many times. There was no good reason for it. I knew I could have just as easily spent a little money and purchased some real food that would have gotten me through it without so much guilt.

But all is said and done and I need to forgive myself for screwing up, and get right back on track.

Forgive and forget. Well, maybe not forget, but learn from my mistakes.

Until next time.